Ch. 1 - 2; Bella Swan.... *sigh*

This is ah...long. Sorry. ^^;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

That’s in case no one knows what a Mary Sue is…in short a character with no REAL character traits at all, making it easy for readers to insert themselves in a perfect fantasy world.

In even shorter, the majority of the characters in Twilight.

Typically you would give that character (female, in this case) low self-esteem, brown eyes and hair (most common hair color in the states), and make them a few degrees nerdier/ more socially awkward. Ring any Bells? (<- See what I did there?)

The prologue in this series always starts off with Bella about to die, which I consider false advertizing at it’s worst. Tite Kubo kills off more characters then Stephenie Meyer.

I did not remember this at all from my first read, but…Bella whines a LOT. One of the reasons the first book initially appealed to me was that I was moving to Elma in my sophomore year in high school. My original state of residence? California. In fact, that was why my friend had recommended it to me, I was even one of those people who read Twilight before it was popular. (And hated it before that became a thing too.) So I understand what Bella’s feeling. Sort of.

I kid you not, my mother complained less when she was in labor with any of the kids, and my brother took almost 2 days. (my mom’s a bamf)

First, she’s moving in with a father who clearly wants to try and make this work, he buys her a car (which she is grateful for) and has no problem giving her space. Yet, when referring to her (brief) time spent in Forks on vacation she says that she does a “good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things” from her memory. (page 6) I paid $2 for this coffee stained paperback, so I did not hesitate to write an obscenity across that pretentious, over-dramatic crap.

Okay.

If I type out every quote that fills me with rage and horror this will never get done, and I have TGS videos to watch.

Bella continues to laud her amazing brilliance and tragic life throughout the first chapter. She says her reading list for English includes Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer and Faulkner. She’d already read everything.

What, ALL of them? All of their everything? And what kind of high school is this, my reading list did not kick half as much…butt as this one did!

So Bella has read all of Chaucer, Bronte, Shakespeare and Faulkner…I’m assuming she comprehended NONE of it because she persists in referring to Forks as her “personal hell on earth” (26). As someone who has been through a not small amount of crap I kinda object to a bit of squishy-damp and rain being referred to as hell. I would like to see her live through...oh...Titus Andronichus. Yeah...

Also?

I hate Bella.

Anyway, Bella finds some pretty people in the cafeteria who aren’t gaping at her and so feels the need to gawk at them. Socially apt, this one is.

In Biology (which Bella has already taken, because she smells like rainbows) pretty-boy Edward is having an adverse reaction to Bella. Join the club mate, I’ll make you a jacket. (yours’ll have to say ‘Spare’ on the back, kay?) I hope everyone got that…

Bella is amazed that a perfect stranger could hate her so much.

The irony. *indicates self*

Bella returns to her car and miraculously manages not to throw another hissy fit before driving home.

Character growth?!?!?! No. (this is Twilight, silly!)

CH. 2

Can I blog Kingdom Hearts II instead? It’s kinda like Gothic…there’s existential stuff…and the organization wear black cloaks….and…and…oh. Fine.

Bella is sad because her life is flawed and a guy who was a jerk to her is gone. This makes her sad. Sad. *rubs temples*

There is an amusing line “I make the Cowardly Lion look like the Terminator.” (page 30) This is so great that I am seriously considering Meyer asked Joss Whedon to write a couple lines for her, her writing thus far as not shown her capable of a statement that amusing or non-pretentious.(Man, even when I compliment her I'm mean...I need to work on that.)

Bella is awfully judgmental of these people…They aren’t even hicks or anything…she just does not seem to like people. (Not live ones anyway.)

So Bella shops…writes to her mother, who she speaks to like she’s an infant. I mean, I get it, the woman’s a space cadet, but still.

Bella reads “Wuthering Heights” for kicks. I’m thinking (hoping) one of us missed the point of that novel, and I hope (think) it wasn’t me.

It’s so hard to type when you’re fingers are twitching to do harm to someone’s face.

Bella and her dad eat steak, talk about the Cullens. Bella observes a lack of dishwasher and I wonder what in heaven’s name she’d use it for as they are only dirtying dishware for 2.

Bella obsesses over Edward’s absence for a week and starts to fit in, finally deigning to remember her classmate’s names. She whines about snow and would probably whine about world peace, if we ever achieved it…and on page 43 it begins. One thing I distinctly remember about these books is that Bella good fill another series with descriptions of Edward’s god-like hawtsomeness. *vomits*

Sorry, Bells, some of us like men…live ones.

“He was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent.” No. He was probably wondering if you were stupid. Because I don’t think vampires routinely regurgitate thesauruses in pretentious, annoying sentences. Oh, wait. It’s Twilight.

(Anyone seen the anime Hellsing? Alucard. That. Is a vampire.)

Edward’s eyes are ocher, apparently. That’s not a very sexy sounding color, is it? Kinda gross sounding, actually.

Anypoop. Bella and Edward talk about her life. He asks if he’s annoying her, she goes to PE. Drives home. It was quite a gripping scene. *sarcasm hand*

NOTE:

I'm actually sad we aren't doing one of the later books so I can talk about Marcus.

He's super powerful.

He can see relationships. *giggle*

Just throwin’ that out there.

I love Marcus.

Regarding this series, I know it seems like I simply loathe these books but…well, I do, I guess. Not just for themselves though. Even with the horror of the last book it’s actually the hype that pisses me off (sorry) worse then anything. Middle-aged women drooling over Edward Cullen, teenage girls thinking what they should look for in a man is this shallow, uninteresting 2-dementional character…it’s sick and wrong. What’s the point of a significant other who has no personality? And then in the future books Edward’s behavior borders no, becomes extremely possessive, nearly abusive. (if you want a list, check the internet) This is what girls are looking for. This is what guys are being told to be. Yes, I do think it’s anti-feminist, and the writing is terrible, the characters are boring and poorly written, the plot contrived, often ridiculously convenient…none of that would matter if people just left it as what it is; a crappy smut novel. But they didn’t.

(And the vampires SPARKLE! Freaking, SPARKLE!! A part of my soul died that day.)