“Clearly, this van wanted Bella dead. It must have read the first chapter of the book. That thing was like, deeply out for Bella's blood.”
That’s a quote from another blogging Twilight thing, it’s on Deviant Art and it pretty funny, but there’s a lot of cussing so…fair warning.
Chapters 5 – 7 were, y’know bad. But I thought before delving into it I’d say why: these characters suck.
I don’t mean they are unlikeable (they are) because just because I don’t like a character doesn’t mean they’re badly written, these characters though have one-dimensional dialogue, shallow motivations (or none at all) and set a TERRIBLE example for anything ever.
Twilight, like Harry Potter, is a character driven series. You may have noticed an atrocious lack of plot? That’s where all the character development is supposed to be happening. Only it doesn’t. As someone who has finished the entire series, I can assure you that these characters do not grow or improve. When they change at all, it’s for the worse.
This is basically what a character arc should look like; it's similar to a plot arc. A character starts one place, something happens (usually a bad thing), they go on their ‘Hero’s Journey’, literally or figuratively and at the end arrive at a better place, one way or another. (Unless it’s a tragedy, obviously)
This is Bella’s character arc. Throughout the series everything just gets better and better for her, although from all her constant complaining you would think it was the opposite. And yes, I know, she was in agony for months after Edward ditched her, which was, frankly, pathetic but more important she never grew from it. She just turned around and started depending on someone else. Anyway, no one is allowed to be depressed while riding motorcycles with pre-pedo Jacob. You can imagine a little dip in the arc though if you really want to, I had to argue with the Internet about it as it was. :P
ANYWAY:
The reason this took forever (in addition to technology fail) is because I lost the page of notes I took while reading, and then after I found those I lost the book, which I wasn’t in much hurry to find. Unfortunately, my brother unearthed it from a pile of laundry.
“Ugh. Who got these clothes all dirty again?” He picked the book up by a corner of the front cover, wrinkling his nose. It was 2am and we were watching movies because playing video games was getting old.
“Augh! It found me!” I yelped, pulling my blanket over my head. Benjamin tossed it in my general direction.
“Don’t leave your trash lying around the house.”
“Look who’s talking,” I muttered. “Seriously though, I forgot how horrible and whiny Bella is. And Edward! Creepy!”
Shuddering, I picked the book up. I was beginning to think my old theory about ‘Twilight’ being a social experiment was inadequate. The possibility had to be considered that this series was in fact a manifestation of grotesque horrors that sought nothing less than to destroy my very soul.
In the darkness of the night I lay restless in my bed, glaring at the book which is laying on my night table. Cloud Strife and Sephiroth battle it out directly above my head, Vash the Stampede grins stupidly to my left, in front of me lies my TV, PS2 and quite a few comics. And to my right is ‘Twilight’.
“I hate you.” I whisper into the dead silence.
And in inky blackness it softly replies, I know…
Happy NaNoWriMo, folks.
My swiftly slipping sanity aside, it’s time to review some crap. So. Chapters 5 – 7. *deep breath*
Bella and Edward decide that friendship is indeed magic and they will hence forth be friends, despite the fact that their entire dialogue up till now has consisted of mysterious warnings on one hand and getting pissy on the other. Sounds like an awesome foundation for a relationship.
It’s actually a bit creepy how obsessed Bella already is with Edward, she says she’s “crushed” when she doesn’t see him one day. Seriously, that’s just freaking pathetic. :/ I really feel like this chick needs counseling. I mean, “desolation hit me with crippling strength”!?!?!? We are talking about a guy she’s had very little interaction with, even less of it positive! Other stuff happens too…like the introduction of Jacob.
I’ve read the whole series, but only once…seeing the younger, pre-chimo Jacob is really, really weird. He was the only character I thought worth much in this series, and even then that was only when Meyer let him do his own thing.
Well, moving on: Chapter 5
Edward does 2 very annoying things with in the first couple of pages. First, motions someone towards him with his index finger and second, winks. Bella of course finds this charming, because she is a spineless, brainless, automaton who does not realize that 1) Edward’s behavior is exceedingly patronizing and 2) if he wants to talk so frigging badly he can bloody well got off his sparkly butt and do something about it. Douche.
Edward wants to know what Bella thinks of him; I posit that there is a flaw in his premise. Bella is apparently vacillating between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker for Edward comparisons. I actually can’t begin to approach this properly, I actually had to put the book down for a couple of days, so let me simply say this:
Batman is a deep, round character that grows and changes and stands for things that are noble and just. He is strong but thoroughly human, he is, quite simply, the best thing ever. And Spidey’s cool too.
Edward Cullen is a shiny, angsty, whiny, pretentious coward who will never mean anything more than the wet dreams of people who don’t know better. He does not grow or change. He is a static, misogynistic character created by a static misogynistic author.
Pictured: Another character more dynamic than Edward Cullen.
In the words of the previously mentioned Deviant reviewer: “Oh dear god, get my comics out of your vampire teen love drama pretend-action angst fairytale book!”
Seriously, as a rule of thumb, don’t remind your readers of something INFINITELY BETTER that they could be reading.
*exhales*
Okay. I think I can move on now
On page 93 Bella FINALLY seems to figure out that Edward’s saying he’s dangerous. Apparently, she was just ignoring him the first EIGHT MILLION times he said it.
In Biology they’re…finding out their blood types. Hm. Kinda doubt that a public school would really o.k. that kinda experiment, one of those kids could have a disease like AIDS or something and the teacher wouldn’t even know. Bella faints because she’s the female lead in a romance and that’s what they do. Every now and then there are a couple lines of interaction between Edward and Bella that are actually somewhat amusing. One of those happened in this chapter. Then everything started sucking again.
After school Edward forces Bella to be driven home, which is annoying, rude and really freaking annoying. She felt nauseous because she smelled blood, for goodness sake; she is NOT a fragile little doll! He tells her not to fall into the ocean or anything, this sort of patronizing, annoying behavior continues through the whole series and it REALLY pisses me off. I don’t like Bella, but bloody hell, she’s lived this long! She’s not a mentally deficient child who constantly jams forks into sockets, she’s a slightly clumsy teenage girl!
Thoughts: I wish Bella were more interesting. Edward (and everyone else) is so bland that just having her be colorful and interesting would liven up everyone else! If she were a vibrant character this series would be a lot better, still poorly written, but much better.
She needs some kind of hobby…other than reading old period romances. I’m not saying she should be into comics and video games, like I am, I would settle for photography or anything that provides the illusion of depth.
Chapter 6!
I hate this chapter. Thus, my summary is brief.
Bella goes to the beach, manipulates a genuinely nice guy for her personal gain and we find out the Cullens have a history and don’t get on well with the natives.
The writing is terrible, I was gonna type out the worst paragraph but it’s so freaking awful I decided, screw it. Bella is every misogynistic stereotype Meyer could cram in there; stupid, keeps mouth shut, takes on wifely duties w/o prompting, shallow, manipulative, over-emotional, constantly feeling depressed, gullible and has no real personality/interests of her own.
On the bright side, Jacob is the least ‘inserty’ character in this series, which is why I actually liked him at first. Well. That and his abs. (Shut up. So sometimes we are a little shallow… :P)
Chapter 7…
At the end of the chapter Bella tells her father that she’s going to help Shallow Blonde Chick #1 one and Quiet Brown Haired Girl #2 pick out dresses. She feels that she would not have to explain why if Charlie were woman, all of which are, of course, all the same with identical interests and abilities.
Yeah. That’s all I remember from this chapter…I lost my notes. Again. (I’m rearranging my room to absorb the maximum about of heat from my broken heater)
Overall, I still don’t entirely get this series. I mean, I really, really, really don’t want to think that people who love it either just don’t get it or are shallow. First, that’s terrible, I want there to be something less bad at least. Second, omg, that is a lot of shallow people! It’s actually scary!
Final Note: My brother mentioned to me the other day that he considers Edward and Bella’s romance to be pretty disgusting. Edward’s about 119 years old, I believe and Bella is 17 so…he (my brother) kept imagining Bella getting all mushy with this old grandpa guy. Dan Bergstein has said some similar stuff as well, and I think it’s a legitimate point, but as Edward is so immature in so many ways I never saw him as that old. Any thoughts?
Also, on that note:
